


This Role I’ve Been Given

by loveinadoorway



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-07-11
Updated: 2009-07-11
Packaged: 2017-10-21 22:32:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/230574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loveinadoorway/pseuds/loveinadoorway
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set after 5.01, I suppose. Lucifer touched Castiel and thus transferred his ability to truly feel to Castiel. It’s the beginning of what will/might get to be a true Dean/Cas, it just always takes me forever to get to the sex. I started writing this for a gen/het story and the pairing was supposed to be Castiel/Raphael, but I can’t get that angel on angel show on the road somehow, so I’ve tweaked it to go… elsewhere. And it obviously isn’t all there yet… sorry.</p>
            </blockquote>





	This Role I’ve Been Given

**Rating:** Ah, guys, I really don’t know… NC-17? **  
Disclaimer:** The powers that be, they never would let me do any of this, really. But there is respect. Aye. That there is and plenty of it. Even if it may not be obvious. **  
Warnings:** language, sex, violence, the lot, but mostly later, I suppose. Mostly car fondling, if anyone kinks at that, then this is it! **  
Word Count: ~** 2793 **  
Summary:** Set after 5.01, I suppose. Lucifer touched Castiel and thus transferred his ability to truly feel to Castiel. It’s the beginning of what will/might get to be a true Dean/Cas, it just always takes me forever to get to the sex. I started writing this for a gen/het story and the pairing was supposed to be Castiel/Raphael, but I can’t get that angel on angel show on the road somehow, so I’ve tweaked it to go… elsewhere. And it obviously isn’t all there yet… sorry.

 _Lucifer sneered as he advanced on the angel.  
“You think you’re better than me, Castiel? Think you in your comfortable numbness are superior to me? Think you could never Fall, because you are such a good little trooper of our Lord and God?”  
Lucifer laughed. It was a terrible sound.  
“Let us see how well you do when I take your equilibrium away, my brother. It should be easy, for your armour is already cracked beyond repair, isn’t it?”  
The angel stood frozen in place, unable to move, as Lucifer placed his hand over Castiel’s heart._

 

Castiel was sitting in the backseat of the Impala.  
He knew what was happening to him, knew what Lucifer had done, but he still didn’t truly understand any of it.  
Everything felt… he couldn’t even say it felt strange to him, because he had never felt much at all, but now, he felt.  
Felt everything.  
And he was helpless against what it did to him.

There was cracked and torn fake leather under his hand. It fascinated him.  
He ran his thumb over it in slow circles and savoured the texture. Couldn’t stop, it just… felt… so good.  
He had rolled the window down and a steady, yet capricious breeze was playing over his face.  
He laid his head against the doorjamb.  
Cool metal against his skin. He moved his head back and forth, rubbing his skin over the smooth coolness.  
He felt raw, totally defenseless against this onslaught of sensation.

A gust of hot air slapped his cheek.  
He almost moaned.

So intense… 

Come on hold my hand,  
I wanna contact the living.  
Not sure I understand,  
This role I’ve been given.  
I sit and talk to god  
And he just laughs at my plans,  
My head speaks a language, I don’t understand.  
~ Robbie Williams, Feel

   
Sam cast a glance at the backseat.  
The angel’s head was still leaning against the doorjamb.  
He was wondering what the fuck was wrong with Castiel.  
The angel had been acting mighty strange ever since they had had their first run-in with Lucifer.  
Cas sat in the back of the car with closed eyes, but definitely hadn’t been sleeping. He wore a strange, sort of rapt expression and he’d just moved around a lot, but not restlessly, either. Kind of… well, if we weren’t talking angel here, Sam would have said Castiel was moving around in a languid, sensual way, almost sexy.

Castiel tried to pull himself together.  
He had to.  
He was losing his grip on everything.  
He was a slave to sensations he had never known before. He couldn’t help but touch everything he came across.  
It all felt exquisite to him. New, strange and exhilarating.  
His heart was singing with the joy of it all.  
Feeling, for the first time in his long existence.   
It grew stronger, too.

And some of those feelings, bright and shiny like a new penny, where not connected to exploring the tactile richness of inanimate objects.  
They were connected to a pair of green eyes, to freckles, to those sinful lips and the smile that warmed Cas to his very core.  
They had to do with the solid warmth of the body he had so painstakingly restored so that he could pour the man’s essence back into it. They had to do with longing to put his hand on the palm print scar again.  
He couldn’t let those thoughts run wild, though. He had to find a way to control himself in that respect. They wouldn’t tolerate that. They probably wouldn’t tolerate him feeling anything, period, but that thing they surely wouldn’t.  
He might Fall, if he continued that way.

Better to helplessly fondle car upholstery, then, than let his thoughts stray down the forbidden path. 

You're running with me  
Don't touch the ground  
We're the restless hearted  
Not the chained and bound  
The sky is burning  
A sea of flame  
Though your world is changing  
I will be the same  
~ Bryan Ferry & Roxy Music, Slave to Love

 

It felt like he was in a fever dream.

Everything around him was strangely unreal, pale, far away. The only thing that was real was what he felt. What was inside of him, or rather what happened inside of him when something triggered those new sensations in him.

They were… somewhere. In the country.

And Sam and Dean had to be… doing something. Dean had spoken to him, had explained things, several times over. Cas just couldn’t concentrate, couldn’t follow what was going on.

Dean had looked at him strangely, then suggested Cas should just wait for them to return.

 

Castiel watched the two men drive off.

He sat on a fallen tree, alone with his confusion again.  
The angel ran his hand through his hair.  
What a wonderful sensation.  
Everything about the body of his vessel was fascinating to Castiel suddenly.  
He had never even paused to consider it as anything other than a useful suit to walk around in, a necessary mask to wear.

He ran his right hand over the back of his left.  
The friction of skin on skin sent shivers down his spine. He could feel the bone structure underneath the skin.  
He traced the bones of the index finger from his left wrist all the way up to the fingertip.  
So strong and yet so fragile.  
Infinitely fascinating.

 

Dean called him.

Nothing else suddenly mattered.  
His charge was in trouble and Cas had to heed the call.

Dean and Sam were surrounded by demons.  
Castiel whisked them outside in a blink of an eye, to the Impala.  
Nobody should have to watch what he now needed to do.  
Nobody who felt, anyway.

 

When Castiel returned to Sam and Dean, his face looked drawn and there were copious spatters of blood and gore on the coat, his hands and face.  
He held a long, bloody sword in his left hand, which he allowed to drag over the floor, as if it were too heavy to lift.  
His blue eyes looked almost black in the sunlight and his shoulders were hunched, as he walked slowly towards them.  
Dean opened the trunk and got a bottle of water and a rag out. He silently handed them to the angel, so he could clean himself up a bit.  
Castiel looked at him strangely.  
“I have to need for this.”

  
It took concentration.  
More concentration than he could muster right now, with all the horrible sensations that flooded him right now.  
He didn’t want to keep feeling, if it meant he would have to feel these things as well.  
How did humans do it? How did they go through life with all the bad things that happened?  
And some even kept their faith through all of this.  
Castiel was hanging on to his firm belief in the Lord’s will, but it took effort.  
He shook himself.  
A moment later, he was able to pull himself together and the blood vanished along with the sword.  
The memories of what he had done remained.

 

When the truth is found to be lies  
And all the joy within you dies  
Don't you want somebody to love  
Don't you need somebody to love  
Wouldn't you love somebody to love  
You better find somebody to love  
~ Jefferson Airplane, Somebody to love

Dean was worried.

The angel was acting more than a bit strange. He had asked him several times what exactly it had been that Lucifer had done to him, but hadn’t gotten anything but the usual deadpan Cas speak back. He was watching the angel closely and that was not a good thing right now. Cas kept fingering things, kept tasting things and whenever he did, he got that fuck-me look in his eyes.

Dean didn’t know what the hell was happening to him, but whenever he watched that, he got rock hard and started imagining bringing forth that look on the angel’s face repeatedly and in many, many ways that were all seven kinds of wrong.

 

Cas wished that he could remember just where they were and what Sam and Dean were trying to accomplish, but even staying alert enough to recall there was something else to do besides watching Dean was becoming harder and harder.

He wondered briefly if Lucifer had known that this disease he had given Cas would make it nearly impossible for the angel to take care of his charge, or if the Devil’s design had really only been to make Cas Fall.

He no longer was able to function. He should go to his superiors and make them send another in his place.

But then there would be no more Dean. Not ever.

This was not an option.

Maybe if he understood his desires better… maybe then they would get easier to control.

Cas had an idea.

 

The Winchesters were, Cas thought, on some stakeout and Dean and had the first watch.  
Dean had parked the Impala across the street from the house, then settled down for the long wait. He had gotten coffee and some snacks and was enjoying the strong, black java, when Castiel materialized next to him.

He needed information - desperately needed it, in fact.

  
“May I ask you a question, Dean?”  
“Sure, fire away.”  
“What does it feel like when humans make love?”  
Dean snorted, coughed and sputtered as the hotter than hell coffee first got into the wrong pipe and then took the wrong exit route as well, ending up streaming from his nostrils.  
“Ah, Cas… did you just ask me to explain the joy of sex to you, or is there something horribly wrong with my ears?”  
“I don’t think there is anything wrong with your ears.” In fact, Cas thought, Dean’s ears were lovely.  
“Why ask me?”  
“You seem to have a lot of experience in the matter, so I thought I would get the best answer from you.”  
Dean sputtered a bit.  
“Was I wrong in coming to this conclusion?”  
“Ah… no, not really. It’s just that… uh… I haven’t had that kinda talk since I explained what’s what to Sammy yonks ago. I may be a bit outta practice.”  
“I will make allowances for that.” Castiel said calmly, pushing his chin forward in this aggravating “I won’t take no for an answer” kind of manner that he had.  
Dean took a deep breath.

 

Now that was a talk Dean Winchester did not want to have again in his entire life.  
At least not stone cold sober and with a fucking angel.

The mechanics Dean could’ve handled, but Cas had wanted details, descriptions, how it really felt, in Dolby surround and full freakin’ Technicolor.  
That was so not… so not… SO NOT. Period.

Goodness gracious, great balls of fire!  
Dean hadn’t squirmed in his seat quite as much since he’d left high school, hemming and hawing and dancing circles around the issues until he couldn’t do that any longer.  
Then he had gotten graphical and that had felt so beyond wrong with a member of the Heavenly Host in the audience that he could have just died on the spot.  
Suddenly, it had dawned to him that he couldn’t even remember the proper names for the things right away, only their four letter versions.  
And while he struggled with his vocabulary, every pause he made would bring yet another round of 20 questions from the angel.  
How on earth had he gotten himself into this?  
Sex Ed 101 for a freakin’ angel.

Just when he thought his life couldn’t possibly get any weirder.

He wiped the sweat off his brow.

 

Castiel looked to be in deep thought.  
Just what the angel was thinking was something Dean very much didn’t want to know anything about.  
So please, Powers That Be, don’t let Cas be in a sharing mood!  
And please, PTB, while you’re at it, let all his questions be answered. Oh God, please.  
No more.  
Dean should never have mentioned the elusive g-spot.  
NEVER.  
Not in a million years.  
Holy crap.  
For one terrible moment, he had even thought the angel was going to ask him if he could come and watch one of those nights, so as to better understand….

 

That’s when Dean had finally had a fucking epiphany.  
He had told the angel that you did not discuss such shit in the workplace. And the Impala was the workplace.  
Fucking ingenious.  
Why on earth had he only thought of it after he’d been grilled for two hours solid?

Dean was staring intently at the house, conveying – or so he hoped – an impression of being highly concentrated on his task.  
Not letting on that the part of himself that wasn’t embarrassed to hell was actually acutely… uncomfortable right now. Straining inside his jeans, actually. And he was so going back to hell for feeling that way. About an angel. Of all things.

 

Castiel had a lot to process.  
Dean had been a veritable font of information on that subject, as hoped, even though he had seemed strangely reluctant to talk about some of the things Castiel had wanted to know about.

He would have to ask about some things in more depth later, when they were not working.

Work was not the right place for this issue, Castiel had understood.  
The angel thought human males usually would consume alcoholic beverages during such talks, so maybe he should ask Dean to go to a bar with him.

Castiel thought there were bars where he actually might be able to observe both female and male anatomy a little more closely. Dean would know about that.  
Castiel felt confident that he had made the right choice in asking Dean.

 

It was hard to keep all those weird thoughts at bay, though, when there was nothing else to concentrate on.  
Castiel thought about the time he had spent in one of those awful motel rooms the Winchesters stayed in, examining his vessel’s body in all its strangeness.

Dean had looked a little off, when the angel had described his findings in great detail and had demanded explanations for the things that had happened when he had touched himself down there.  
What a weird appendage to have, really!  
And if his thoughts weren’t distracting enough, the smell of coffee in the car alone would be enough to drive Castiel to distraction.  
The smell was so delicious as it mixed with the scent of Dean….

 

Realms of bliss, realms of light,  
Some are born to sweet delight,  
Some are born to sweet delight.  
Some are born to the endless night.  
End of the night, end of the night,  
End of the night, end of the night…  
~ The Doors, End of the night

 

A motel, somewhere.

Castiel was outside, watching the setting sun, when suddenly he felt a hand on his shoulder.

“You okay?” asked Dean in his growly “this is not a chick flick moment” voice.

“Fine.”

The hand remained firmly in place. For a fleeting moment, it felt as if the hunter’s thumb caressed Castiel’s shoulder, but surely that was Cas’ overactive imagination.  
Dean sighed.  
He was standing so close to Castiel that the angel could feel the man’s hot breath on his neck.  
Something funny happened in the pit of Castiel’s stomach.  
“Cas, I don’t know what it is, but “fine” it sure as hell ain’t. Tell me.”  
He let his hand run over Castiel’s back, down to Cas’ side, effectively pulling the angel in a half embrace.

Which probably wasn’t a good idea, given the fact that Dean these days was having totally improper thoughts about the angel even when the said angel was miles away. Touching sent his brain straight to the gutter and kept it there. With a vengeance.  
“Good.” Castiel’s voice sounded strained and husky as he quickly turned to Dean and kissed him hard on the lips.  
“Huh.” said Dean eloquently, as Cas pulled away.  
“I like your brain in the gutter.” Whispered Castiel, lifting his hand to run his thumb over Dean’s lower lip.  
“You… you don’t listen in to people’s thoughts, man, that is.. so rude!”  
Castiel tilted his head, as he pondered this.  
Dean thought this little head tilting quirk was absolutely adorable. Or, adorkable.  
He allowed his fingers to slide slightly and play over Cas’ side, just a little bit above the waistband.  
Castiel made a small sound.  
It may well have been a moan of pleasure.

Angels don't lie, tell me why, did you leave heaven  
What here on earth here could make you leave  
Tell me true, was it love, answer my question  
Did you leave heaven for a love found in me  
~ Willy de Ville, Angels don’t lie

  And so it began.

  
  



End file.
